Photography is not about Photography

Giurgiu

I went to Giurgiu today with Rucsandra. Another place forgotten in time. I even photographed this sign that was the comunist emblem. It felt strange to see it. Then, we went to a really nice restaurant where, for 10 bucks, we both had caviar and fish soup. It tasted amazing, you can't imagine. This whole city is quiet. People explain things in a very strange way, one that I neither I nor Rucsandra couldn't understand. We then ventured away..going up this lonely road that never ended. On our right side a river (I forgot the name); you could see old buildings...probably uninhabited... Far on our left, the Danube. You can't see it because of the ruins of what once were probably factories. And if you've seen recent photos from Czernobil, you could see some similarities to this place. We passed by a dump yard and I stopped to take some photos. The colors of the plastic bags, blown away by the winds looked beautiful on the white snow. We then entered the dump yard with the car: I was curious to see the reaction of the few dozens of dawgs. The moment we entered their territory, they started barking. It was strange, because I wasn't feeling any anger. They were playing? Then I exit the place and I enter again. They start barking again. It was funny. They were really having fun wagging their tails. And then, I wanted to go on with our trip and they started running after the car. I was driving at 10km/h and they were really happy to keep up with us. Imagine 20 dawgs running after you. It was quite an experience.
We went on... and got deeper into the wild....muhwahwahwaaaa. Boy...you could only see dogs here and there scavenging around. And guess what felt right? To take photos of myself in this land. And then.. it felt even righter :) to take off my coat and my shirt. It was freezing. And then... I realized that I had to take this till the end...and I took nude photos of myself freezing in this land covered with snow, filled with ruins.
It felt complete. I'll be honest. The moment I took of my pants it felt exciting, as if I was ready for something kinky. And a second later I was asking myself if this was right. The body feels sexual when nude. Correct me if I'm wrong. This project made me really question nudity. I'll try to put my ideas in words soon.
 

la revedere romania - soon

So long, for now, dear country. I'm sorry but I have to go. Look, I'll be honest. Being here is not my thing. I don't know, anymore, if I empathize with people or if I just pity them. I know I don't want to be here, and that I've been using you for a while, now. In fact, I really wonder if the only thing that attracts me to you is my inability to photograph other places, and so, using the misery in which you find yourself, I satisfy my mediocre photographic paradigm and bring myself here from time to time to feel the pain of being away, to feel the drama of many nonexistent pains, and, as one expat once told me, to feel the passion of the locals. Boy, it's difficult to feel the passion in a country you don't identify yourself with... and thinking about this in depth, I realize good photos present passion.
No?

here's my schedule for February: I leave in 2 days for Pascani, again. It's gonna be my last visit. From there, I head to Iasi where I will spend a few days photographing people my age. I still don't know if I'll exhibit my photos in Iasi, but that isn't really a concern to me now. My mind has been focused on photography for a while, and I feel high.. though I've never actually been high.
2 weeks in Moldavia, and then I get back to Bucharest, where I'll be spending my last week. I dream of going to the seaside and photograph the landscape. It probably won't happen, but who knows. I started giving up on my digital camera and I'm only using film. By the way, I'm running out of film, and that sucks real bad.
Two years ago, when I came to Romania, I felt free, I used the camera in a very "democratic" way.
I realized that I've really pushed to an extreme the concept of ethical photography. My portraits will be resembling a lot and  I'm quite scared of the result. I feel that I need to switch back to "democratic" mode for a while and let my instinct work its ego a bit.

Can you imagine? I left last summer, and I'm coming back in spring. 8 months! Have things changed for you as much as they did for me? I've been living in another world. A world similar to a prison, where I'm waiting and waiting for everything to end and go back home. Whatever that means...home... I mean.. why would I be attached to Montreal more than I am to Romania. Because my apartment is cleaner? newer? I mean...why do I feel safe in Montreal. Do you know how many people are friendly in Bucharest? I've made friends here. People who want to go out with me. I have a girlfriend who is interesting and caring, who likes good films and is interested in art. Guess what..she's an actress too, and quite talented.
She's the kind of person who will help me get what I need to get my projects rolling. The bossy type. A great friend.
Now..I could get an interesting job here. Well paid too. Actually, I could earn more money here than I would in Montreal. I haven't mentioned my biology teacher. She used to love me a lot when I was in high-school. We met again after 8 years and she still loves me a lot. We went out many times. She took me to a few concerts, classical music and contemporary ballet. We had tea many times in this very nice tea-house.
You know Oana, she resembles you a lot. I'm sure you'll like her. I photographed her. You'd love to photograph her too.
So, here comes my question again. Why do I want to come back to Montreal? My few friends have all forgotten me, I don't have a job and there's nothing to do, really. Why do I feel safe in Montreal?
See you soon. Sleep well. Eat well. Love thy neighbor. Really.

Every day I hear "I want to leave this place", and though I contradict them all, I feel the same. It does, yes, feel inspiring to be here. It feels depressing and sad and lonely, although there is plenty to do. Do you think it's because of the season? Does winter kill it everywhere? I feel that my work looks like a student project. I have started shooting film, but I don't feel positive about it. Parallel planes don't excite me that much anymore and I am trying something new. You won't see it here, for now. I won't neither until I'm back in Montreal. What are we missing in this country? What makes us sad? Why don't we like ourselves?

Antonioni's Red Desert makes me feel just the way winter in Romania does. I feel disconnected (ha ha). 

Is it the idea that things happen outside our micro universes that make us feel this frustrated? Or is is purely material reasons? Does the bacteria in me feel hungrier? Well, I guess it does.

I just felt like taking photos...and left the concept aside. But at one point I felt the need to find a pivot. Here it is, and I stole it from a Romanian painter, Comanescu: "I want to leave, I think I'm repeating myself." It's what it is. And trust me, my job ain't difficult. They are everywhere. And they all want to leave. And they all will, because they're smart. A bit behind in ethics and finesse, but they don't really need that to survive. They will feel better and will be appreciated for their workforce. You see, it doesn't really make sense to me. They are anything BUT workaholics. And yet, they become so when they leave. I think it's ambition. We are ambitious. More than others, I guess. And so, we succeed. But we are not the best. We are rarely the best. We are good. We understand technicalities but we can't learn elegance. I tell you, it doesn't stick to us. Now that I'm saying it, it just feels right and logical and I don't feel the need to explain it, because you understand it too. Here it is, darling: